Hey, it's me, Yosos. Soooo... I hit 500 followers. That number feels like it should be something to celebrate, something I should be proud of, and maybe a part of me is, but honestly? I'm not sure how to feel about it. Younger me would've been over the moon. He would've sat at his old computer refreshing the page over and over watching the number climb, notifications popping up one by one, making him feel like he mattered. Like he existed. Like he was useful. That version of me thought if enough people noticed him maybe he wouldn't feel so lonely anymore.
But now? Now I don't think it matters. I don't feel that excitement anymore. I think I've just learned to live with the feeling of not really existing in any meaningful way.
I've realized I'm not important in people's lives, or maybe I am to some, but only in a fleeting way. Most of the time I'm just there. Just a name, a face, or a profile they scroll past. And the more I think about it the more I realize how easily I could be replaced. Like I'm just another toy, something people pick up for a while before moving on to something better.
There will always be someone better than me, someone who makes more sense, who fits better, who's more fun to be around, who's more active, who does more. And that's fine. That's life, right? But it doesn't make it hurt any less. Having followers doesn't make me feel better. If anything it makes me feel worse. More people watching means more pressure, more expectations, more ways to mess up. It feels like I'm standing in front of a crowd I didn't ask for, waiting for someone to point out all the ways I'm not good enough. I don't even like the word fans. It feels so wrong. I never wanted a following. I never wanted people to look up to me. The idea of being idolized honestly terrifies me because I know I'm not someone worth looking up to. I'll just let people down in the end. I always do. Sometimes it makes me wonder if people actually like my art or even me, if they care about what I create, or if they're just here out of habit. Do they even notice me? Or am I just another account they scroll past? I don't know. I don't feel great about it all today. To show my gratitude though, I thought about making some pixel art or animations. If you message me on Newgrounds within 24 hours or whenever, I'll try to create something for you. But I want to be honest, I might not get to everyone. Some might take a long time, others might not happen at all because of my schedule or just how I feel. Sometimes it's hard to even try. And no, I'm not doing anything NSFW. It's just not my thing anymore. I don't know if this is enough. I don't even know if it matters. But it's the only way I can think of to say thank you to everyone who keeps following this account, even if I don't fully understand why. So yeah, thanks for 500 followers. Maybe we'll hit 600 someday, or maybe we won't. Either way, happy New Year. I hope to see you all next year. Maybe things will feel a little better by then.
Zakeblue1
don't burn yourself just because you think your art or the animations you've done is bad or just not worth the appreciation. it's not healthy.
remember there's a reason why everyone followed you and liked your works. so be proud of yourself. yet, your younger self might be even more proud of you then you will ever be.
anyway congrats!! pat pat <3
and happy new year :>